Take a taxi instead

My Council Home Help girl has been going on and on at me about my excessive use of paper towels. Well, I ask you, what else does a lady of genteel upbringing do when she is a little incontinent from time to time?

But the blasted girl never lets up about me destroying the forests, polluting the atmosphere and sending countless species of cute wild life to extinction. I never complain about that nasty-smelling hippy tobacco she uses, I wish she would get off the subject of my flatulence too.

But I have the answer to her carping. I have discovered a way to save the planet on my own. I will stop walking!

Fortunately I found out that Walking damages the planet. You should immediately follow my lead and stop walking too.

The Dancing Belly

I’ve taken up belly dancing. And now I know it’s actually called Raqs Sharqi. What really impressed me was the flyer pushed through my letter box which clearly explained that …

Many see Raqs Sharqi as a woman’s dance, celebrating the sensuality and power of being a mature woman. A common school of thought believes that young dancers have limited life experience to use as a catalyst for dance. Many popular Egyptian dancers are over forty.

Well that’s me, I thought, I’m over forty and if anybody has Life Experience, it’s me. You wouldn’t believe my extensive experience even if I disclosed some of it here. (Those who don’t want to be named in my autobiography, I’m Easy but Not Cheap, can come to a private financial arrangement. Drop me a line.)

I just hope I’m not suspected of having terrorist tendencies by displaying some interest in Middle Eastern cultural activities. That’s not a joke, all it takes to be locked up these days is giving your old sim card to a mate a couple of years back. I left mine in Co.Fermanagh in 2004 and now I’m waiting to be carted off for having IRA connections.

Stretching your mind with new sights

My Lodger Gina thinks things that would never cross my mind. Not even in a fit.

Today it was : Just as we create flexibility in our bodies by stretching physically, we can create limberness in our minds by stretching mentally. We can do this in small ways such as taking a different route home from work ..

Well I’m always on the qui vive for anything that slows down my inevitable slide into the hellish pit of mindless old age, so I thought I’d give it a try.

I walked a different way to the butcher shop, and found a whole new supermarket had sprung up overnight. With bolts of coloured cloth on the footpath, windows full of dead ducks and aisles and aisles of strange exotic vegetables. Not that I look at vegetables much, nor should you, they’re very over-rated.

For a moment I thought I had inhaled some secondary smoke from my Council Home Help Girl.

Just when I’ve learned to distinguish between cappuchino, capocollo and a kreatopita, I have to grapple with a congee and a chua. Quite enough mental stretching for one day.

I had to have a little sherry to recover.

Goodbye Popeye

I’m shocked. Not so much by the news of the entire population of the North American continent going down with food poisoning from eating bagged spinach, but by the lack of respect shown to growing childen.

” Marina Zecevic said she made the mistake of serving creamed spinach to her kids the day the story (of the contamination) broke.”

No, Marina, your mistake was the heinous creaming of the spinach in the first place. In my day, no self respecting child would stand for such a blatant disregard of Human Rights.

Food plays such a large part in our character, it shapes our very souls. My generation gained tolerance through the wheatgerm which marred our porridge, fortitude from the boiled cabbage, and the daily teaspoon of cod liver oil constantly strengthened our righteous anger.

We survived the hideous institution of Free Milk in Schools and dutifully swallowed, every day at lunch, a warm bottle of clotted, curdled milk which had been sitting in the sun since sparrow-fart.

We were a tough bunch.

And no one would have dared to serve us creamed spinach.

Does a new career beckon?

I couldn’t fail but to be a little excited by this advertisment :

Wanted: 20 diminutive actors who can sing. Hairy feet an advantage.

Producers of a musical version of “The Lord of the Rings”, looking for candidates to play the hobbit heroes, are searching for male and female actors and singers aged between 16-35 who must be under five feet seven inches. Hairy toes and feet are a distinct advantage.

Is five foot seven short? I’m some four inches under that height, and although I’ve never really considered myself diminiuitive, I wouldn’t be surprised if they knocked me back from getting a place in a basketball team.

As for the hairy feet, well .. the old bogey Change of Life takes care of any hitherto bald feet. I read all about hair and things in Menopause and Hair and I’d rather keep my slippers on thank you very much.

Scientists are already working on Fly Feet for Rock Climbers so that some daredevils in search of a Darwin Award can, like flies, walk on walls or ceilings. Gross stuff, but only to be expected from the younger generation.

In the meantime, I’m opening my jar of 50 cent pieces and checking the fare to London. As soon as I have a little glass of sweet sherry to calm down. Cheers, dears.

Ill mannered Medico

My word, life has been hectic in my little neck of the woods. I got so excited when the pension went up $2.27 a fortnight that a wild jig around the kitchen caused a broken hip!

What disturbed me though, was the form I had to fill out, and the doctor’s reaction to my completed form.

Here’s a copy, can you understand why the doctor got hot under the collar? I certainly can’t. They have no manners anymore.

* Age. A lady does not reveal her age.

* Gender. Still a lady.

* Heredity. I inherited it from my parents.

* Nutrition. I eat

* Personal habits. Refuse to answer.

* Physical impairments. Refuse to answer

* Mental impairments. Up yours.

What kind of questions are they to put to a lady of refinement like myself?

Going shopping? Take your rubber gloves

Shopping trolleys and me don’t get on. I always get one that wants to trundle along the baby foods aisle when I want to go the other way to the cereals (high fibre). It makes you wonder if they really did put a man on the moon if they can’t design a working shopping trolley with wheels that turn in more than direction.

But it get’s worse. Shopping Trolleys are full of Germs with 1,100 colony forming units of bacteria per 10 sq cm (1.55 sq inches) !! These days it’s scarcely safe to step outside.

Fortunately I have a large supply of pink rubber gloves. Next time I’m in the supermarket I’ll whip them out before I tackle a truculent trolley.

The Perils of Spinach

My Council Home Help girl gave me a book today. She’s supposed to be dusting and running the vac over the rug, but she gave me a discourse on the benefits of spinach and a cookbook with over 300 recipes of the vile stuff.

The author, who probably wears hairshirts as well, calls her book I Love Spinach!

Can you imagine? Spinach! Typical of my Council Home Help girl, sticking her nose in people’s private gastric affairs. (I strongly suspect she is an ageing hippie, always in the garden with those funny herbs and things)

“There’s an old French Proverb” she said, “Spinach is the broom of the stomach.”

That’s one way of putting it, I say it’s spinach, and I say the hell with it

DIY hurts

I have had a blinding flash of revelation

DIY is an opportunity to add new injuries to your collection. There is the chance to aggravate existing conditions, or, if you overcompensate with fully functioning limbs, you can damage them instead.

Deus ex machina

So I spent the morning with some Young Thing checking my blood pressure, bone density and asking me questions to which I answered almost truthfully.(Who tells the whole truth in a health check-up?)

Anyway, the upshot is I have an exercise regime to follow which includes a cross-country ski machine and lots of bouncing around with some big coloured balls. Whoever heard of such a thing. When I was a young nipper we had drills where we marched up and down. Exercise was for the athletes who did a bit of swimming to represent their country in the Olympic Games in between their work at the boot factory and signing autographs for the local children. Now exercise has to be with things