Happy Birthday, Elvis

It’s a nice age, 72. A nice round figure, probably along the lines of his figure now. I’m quite sure he would have lost all those pounds he was carrying 30 years ago, (well he has, hasn’t he?)

My friend Reg who knows a lot about fillies is 72. It’s not a bad age for a man as long as they aren’t too fit if you know what I mean. Nothing worse than having some old codger try and chat you up, why some of them bother I’m sure I don’t know. I don’t know how some of them can live with themselves, all carpetslippers, cardigans and clacking teeth.

There’s an otherwise charming gentleman who goes to Bingo who keeps asking me out dancing -ha! I know what that means - a lady can always tell if a chap is being fresh.

But I forget what I’m writing about.  Ah yes, Elvis. I wonder what Elvis would be doing now if he weren’t 6 foot under? Singing awful Gospel songs? Now if he asked me out dancing I might consider it.

Plucky Pensioner at Large

This plucky pensioner led police on a low-speed chase around Middlesbrough, England - and then gave officers the slip.

The lukewarm pursuit started after he caused traffic chaos by crawling down the fast lane of a busy dual carriageway.

Police asked the stubborn senior citizen to pull over. But he defiantly cranked his battery-powered mobility scooter up to its top speed - 8mph - and somehow managed to escape their attention by zooming up onto a roundabout where he got away from the red-faced officers.

One onlooker said he couldn’t believe his eyes as he watched the chase unfold on the A1032 Newport Bridge Approach Road : “The police tried to pull him up but he issued them with a lot of profanities.”, said Ian, a common sense walker, “They asked us, ‘scuse me - have you seen a bloke on an electric scooter?”.

A police van joined the pursuit of the battery-powered scooter. and the cops eventually caught up with the gallant pensioner. He didn’t get quite as far as Pensioner Ludwick Z whose journey is still a mystery, but my hat goes off to this determined scooter rider.

I bet the cops who captured him are the toast of the nick.

Developers win again

A huge Chinese Developer has finally won and defeated little home owner, pensioner Wu Pin.

For more than 3 years this home has been stuck in the middle of a construction site in a pit in Chongqing city.

The developers want to turn the area into a $40m ‘Broadway’ square, including apartments and a shopping mall, and there’s no room for an ordinary house in there. They sued Mrs. Wu and pleaded for the court to issue an order to bulldoze the house. Finally the judge at Chongqing Jiulongpo district court decided that Mrs Wu must leave her villa, and it’s now been demolished. I would have put up a longer fight but who can ever win against those bloody developers?

Such a neat little cottage too, a bit like mine really, but with a better view. Mind you, it’s a lot easier for me to get to my local shop for a bottle of milk.

Pensioner turns vicious

I see that Rosemarie Hamilton-Meikle, a normally placid pensioner of 80 good years, attacked 3 wild boars in Dartmoor, sending fear into the hearts of the savage beasts. The brutes had the ill-luck to come across her dachsund as he scuttered around under a bush.

” I heard a terrible screaming noise and I thought my Bosun had got into a fight with some other dog”, says Rosemarie, “then I saw my little dog lying down on the ground with three wild boar in front of him. I thought he was dead.”

Justifiably angry, she launched an attack with the dog-lead, frightening off two of them, but a large male boar stood his ground. Undeterred, the fighting pensioner swung the dog-lead again. “The dog-lead has a heavy metal clip so I swung it and caught him on the nose. Then I picked up Bosun and walked away. Fortunately the boar did not follow.”.

Too bloody right! Fortunate indeed the boar didn’t follow. Those things can weigh 440 lb : 200 kg, and can grow to 6 feet : 1.8 m long.

It almost puts Rosemarie into the Darwin AwardsThe dachshound was unhurt.

The Comfort of a Weeping Statue

Devout Catholic Patty Powell picked up a fibreglass statue while passing through Bangkok, took it home, stuck it on a shelf and then forgot about it. But, in the middle of a hearty Spring Clean, he discovered a miracle!

The statue was crying.

Patty, to give him due credit, immediately realised he was witnessing the Mother of God performing a manifestation of rose-scented, oily tears in a fibreglass replica. Someone like myself, a little slow on the uptake in the mornings, would put it down to delirium brought on by the effort of waving a feather duster around, but Patty is made of sterner stuff.

People are queuing up to see the statue. Apparently it’s giving great comfort to the sick and dying.

Mind you, I’ve seen some rather nice bits and pieces from Bangkok in my time, but nothing that would give me much comfort on my death bed. It only goes to prove that there’s no accounting for taste.

Does a new career beckon?

I couldn’t fail but to be a little excited by this advertisment :

Wanted: 20 diminutive actors who can sing. Hairy feet an advantage.

Producers of a musical version of “The Lord of the Rings”, looking for candidates to play the hobbit heroes, are searching for male and female actors and singers aged between 16-35 who must be under five feet seven inches. Hairy toes and feet are a distinct advantage.

Is five foot seven short? I’m some four inches under that height, and although I’ve never really considered myself diminiuitive, I wouldn’t be surprised if they knocked me back from getting a place in a basketball team.

As for the hairy feet, well .. the old bogey Change of Life takes care of any hitherto bald feet. I read all about hair and things in Menopause and Hair and I’d rather keep my slippers on thank you very much.

Scientists are already working on Fly Feet for Rock Climbers so that some daredevils in search of a Darwin Award can, like flies, walk on walls or ceilings. Gross stuff, but only to be expected from the younger generation.

In the meantime, I’m opening my jar of 50 cent pieces and checking the fare to London. As soon as I have a little glass of sweet sherry to calm down. Cheers, dears.

Blessed Virgin Mary Sightings again

I haven’t given a thought to the B.V.M for more than 50 years, but obviously a lot of people never grew out of their invisible- friend phase and Mary has been popping up all over the place. In recent years the B.V.M has been spotted on a ham sandwich, markings on the wall of a tunnel, a hospital window, chocolate discards and sniffling on a plaster statue in a suburban back yard.

And now she’s turned up on the belly of a turtle.

Shirley McVane (who is 81 years old and by rights should have progressed past the mental age of 3) owns the afflicted turtle and is claiming a miracle has happened. I only hope she’s charging a few dollars for people to come and gawk at the turtle. Heaven knows, it’s hard enough to get by on the pension.

What’s in your drawers?

Meet Winifred Whelan, who was threatened in her home by a man brandishing a 10-inch knife. She grabbed a larger carving knife from her kitchen, shoved it at the heroic intruder’s belly and quoted the famous words from Crocodile Dundee “That’s not a knife, this is a knife!”

This is the sort of thing that makes me look in my kitchen drawers. Somewhere under the balls of string, paper bags, loose chopsticks, old dry- cleaning dockets and takeaway menus, there may be a knife. I’m sure that bus tickets breed in my kitchen drawers, there’s no other explanation for their presence in such great numbers. And who put a packet of mothballs in there?

I don’t get the joke

Is this a joke? I found an old news article at ABC Science News

It basically says that you won’t lose your sense of humour as you get older, but you might find it harder to “get” some jokes.

The research is by Dr Prathiba Shammi, a psychologist with Baycrest Centre for Geriatric Care in Toronto, and PhD supervisor Dr Donald Stuss.

In research designed to probe humour comprehension and appreciation, Shammi and Stuss found that while older people were just as capable as younger people of “getting” wordplay jokes, they were not as good at recognising funny cartoons, or identifying funny punch lines to jokes. Nevertheless, when the older people did get a joke, they responded appropriately, showing they were still capable of appreciating jokes they understood.

“The good news is that ageing does not affect emotional responses to humour – we’ll still enjoy a good laugh when we get the joke”.

Get on your Bike

Bikes seem to be gaining popularity amongst the senior set

An 84-year-old man, missing since he left home to ride his bike in the small central Polish town of Znin last week, has been found in good health wandering round London’s Heathrow Airport.

“According to the family, he just took his bike and left,” a Polish police spokesman said. Polish Police had been searching for the man, identified only as pensioner Ludwik, Z since 8 December.

The family, police and airport authorities have been unable to explain how he got to London. He speaks no English and has no friends or family in England,