I live near a football ground and, although I have…

I live near a football ground and, although I have nothing against football fans, sometimes their manners after a game aren’t the best. Like taking a leak in my front garden.

Well, I think I’ve found the answer. Austrian officials fed up with motorists stopping to urinate by the roadside have put up fake snake warnings to scare them into using toilets. The idea is that men stop to relieve themselves, see the warning about snakes, and put their own snake back in their trousers.

So, where can I get one?

Queen appeals to athletes on walkabout

The number of Sierra Leone athletes missing from the Commonwealth Games village here in Melbourne rose from 11 overnight to 14 - two-thirds of its 21-member team.

The police are finally taking these mysterious disappearances seriously. The extra three athletes to suddenly vanish without trace are three members of the women’s relay team who failed to run in the final at the MCG last night.

The Queen has appealed for them to return. “Please come back instantly,” she said this morning over muffins, “We have front row seats to see how fast you can run. We didn’t expect you to keep running past the finish line.”

For all she knows they’re being held against their will or they don’t like her much - or both.

Two of the missing athletes pedalled away

We’ve just found out two of the missing athletes are in the bike-riding events. The team and police have refused to identify them, but Sierra Leone’s only cyclists are Alhassan Bangura and Mohamed Sesay.

They were given new bikes to ride here, and they must be bloody good bikes. The two cyclists were last seen pedalling furiously in a northerly direction.

That was five days ago.

.

Missing athletes had no beanies

I’m still worried about these missing athletes from the Commonwealth Games.

The police here today actually agreed to keep an eye out for Tanzanian boxer Omari Idd Kimweri and Bangladesh 400-metre runner Mohammad Tawhidul Islam. These two speak little English and neither has friends or family in Melbourne.

Both men vanished from their beds on Sunday night — without a trace. Meanwhile, half of the Sierra Leone team have disappeared from the face of the earth.

I tell you, it’s got to be alien abduction. There’s simply no other explanation! I for one am going to get the old aluminum foil out from the kitchen cupboard and make myself a beanie to stop alien brainwaves reaching me. And I’m staying well away from the Athlete’s Village.

An Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie (AFDB) is a type of headwear that can shield your brain from most electromagnetic psychotronic mind control carriers. AFDBs are inexpensive (even free if you don’t mind scrounging for thrown-out aluminium foil) and can be constructed by anyone with at least the dexterity of a chimpanzee.

Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie : Practical Mind Control Protection for Paranoids

This cheap and unobtrusive form of mind control protection offers real security to the masses. Not only do they protect against incoming signals, but they also block most forms of brain scanning and mind reading, keeping the secrets in your head truly secret.

AFDBs are safe and operate automatically. All you do is make it and wear it and you’re good to go!

Plus, AFDBs are stylish and comfortable.

Alien Abduction ignored

You’ve heard about the missing atheletes of course. Eleven of them now. All missing from their cozy little cabins in the new Commonwealth Games Athletics Village in Melbourne.

Does no one care?

Have these eleven fine young specimens of humankind been murdered while they slept and their bodies dragged away to unmarked graves? What’s happening? A satanic cult? Are they victims of secret government matter-transformer/transmitter/transposer experiments?

My money is on Alien Abductions.

People from Sierra Leone are particularly prone to alien abductions. Especially the athletes. Only four years ago 70% of the Sierra Leone team - 21 of the total 30 - vanished during the Manchester Commonwealth Games. And now, in Australia, almost half of the Sierra Leone games squad have gone! But where is the outrage?

Also missing are Tanzanian boxer Omari Idd Kimweri, and Bangladeshi 400m runner Mohammad Tawhidul Islam, both of whom vanished overnight from their beds on Monday last. Perhaps in the dark they were mistaken for Sierra Leone athletes.

These Aliens have to be stopped!